248、⑿第三个是夫妻双方对主导地位的争夺。原因在于，婚姻之爱最珍视意愿的联结和随之产生的自由意志。这两大目标因着争夺支配或主导地位而从婚姻被逐出。这种争夺会将他们的意愿分割或分裂成两个阵营，将自由意志变为奴役。只要这种斗争持续下去，一方的灵就会向另一方的施暴。如果在这种状态下他们的心智被打开，并被属灵视觉看见，那么他们看上去就像用匕首搏斗，并且时而彼此仇视、时而互释善意；对抗激烈时心怀仇恨，有赢的希望或受情欲驱使时则释放善意。
一旦一方战胜另一方，尽管这种对抗表面上消失了，但它却退至心智的内在区域，在那里处于焦躁不安的状态。这对被制服或奴役的男人，以及获胜或变成主人的女人会造成冷淡。女人也会感到冷淡，因为婚姻之爱不复存在，而它的缺失就是冷淡（参看235节）。胜者会感觉到由主导地位所产生的热，而非婚姻之爱；但这热与婚姻之热完全不和，尽管它能在情欲的促使下表现出外在的和谐。夫妻之间达成默契后，婚姻之爱看似转化为友谊。但在婚姻中，夫妻友谊与奴性友谊之间的区别就像光与暗、真火与幻光之间的区别，事实上，就像血肉丰满的人和仅存皮骨的人之间的区别。
248、（12）第三是双方对主导地位的争夺。
因为婚姻之爱要达到的首先是意愿上的结合，进而达到双方的自由行为权力。彼此争夺控制权会将二人的婚姻驱散。因为它会使相互结合的意愿彼此分离，会将彼此的自由变成一方被控制。
只要这种争斗存在，另一方在心中就会想反抗对方。若我们能看到他们的思想，那其中就象是进行着一场刀剑之争。他们会对对方产生憎恨或喜悦。当自己处下峰时，会产生憎恨，在处要峰时会感到喜悦。
接下来，当一方战胜了另一方，表面上好象争斗结束了，但它会潜伏在思想之中。在处下方的一方会产生对婚姻的冷漠，在战胜一方也会产生冷漠，这是因为婚姻之爱不再存在，取而代之的是胜方会因自己的领导地位而感到温暖，而这种温暖与婚姻之爱带来的温暖是不相容的。
在他们对情况默许时，似乎是婚姻之爱变成了友谊关系。但是这种婚姻中的友谊及主仆友谊关系就象光明和黑暗一样是完全不同的。
248. (xii) The third of the outward reasons for coldness is competition between the couple who is to be dominant.
The reason is that conjugial love places the highest value on a union of wills, and so freedom of choice. These two aims are banished from a marriage by competing for ascendancy or the dominant position. This competition divides or splits their wills into separate parts, and changes freedom of choice into slavery. So long as it lasts, the spirit of one plots violence against the other. If their minds were then opened up and inspected by spiritual sight, it would look as if they were fighting with daggers, and regarding each other alternately with hatred and with good will; with hatred when they are intensely competing, with good will when they hope to win and when under the influence of lust.
[2] Once one has gained the victory over the other, this hostility withdraws from the outward to the inner regions of the mind, and remains there uneasily. This results in coldness for the man who is subdued or enslaved, and also for the woman who wins or becomes dominant. She too feels coldness, because there is no longer any conjugial love, and its absence is coldness (235). The place of conjugial love is taken for her by the warmth derived from ascendancy, but this is utterly at variance with the warmth of marriage, though it may show outward signs of agreement through the workings of lust. When the couple have come to a tacit understanding, it looks as if conjugial love has turned into friendship. But the difference between conjugial friendship and servile friendship in marriage is like that between light and shade, between a real fire and illusory light, in fact, between a fully fleshed person and one composed of nothing but skin and bone.
248. 12. Of these external reasons, a third is competition between the partners for superiority. The reason is that among the first aspirations of conjugial love is a union of wills and a consequent freedom of volition. Vying for superiority or control expels these two from the marriage, for it divides and separates the wills into two camps and turns freedom of volition into servitude.
So long as this struggle persists, the spirit of one partner imagines acts of violence against the other. If their minds were to be laid open in this state and made visible to spiritual sight, they would appear as though battling with daggers. They would also be seen to look upon each other with alternating feelings of hatred and favor - with feelings of hatred when caught up in the heat of combat, and with feelings of favor whenever they achieve hope of supremacy or are prompted by lust.
[2] Later, when one partner has gained victory over the other, although this conflict disappears from outward manifestations, it recedes into the inner recesses of the mind, where it remains in a concealed state of agitation. The result is coldness on the part of the one made subject or servant, and also on the part of the one who has become victor or master. Coldness develops on the part of the latter as well, because conjugial love no longer exists, and the absence or loss of this love is coldness (no. 235). Instead of conjugial love, the victor feels a warmth resulting from superiority; but this warmth is wholly incompatible with any conjugial warmth, however similar it may be outwardly when prompted by lust.
After the partners come to a tacit agreement between them, it appears as though conjugial love has turned into friendship. But the difference between conjugial friendship and a master-servant friendship in marriage is like the difference between light and dark, between a blazing fire and a cold phosphorescence - indeed, like the difference between a person fully fleshed and one consisting only of skin and bone.
248. 12. A third outward cause of coldness is contention for dominance between the partners. This is because one main object of married love is a union of wills and the freedom this brings. Vying for the upper hand or control throws this right out of the marriage. It divides the intentions, splitting them into sides, and changes freedom of agreement into slavery. While this rivalry lasts, the spirit of the one broods on violence against the other. If you could open their minds and see in with spiritual sight, they would look like fighters with daggers, and you would notice them alternately hate and favor each other - hate in the heat of struggle and favor when hoping for control and full of lust. After one of them wins, the aggressions leave the outward mind and withdraw to the inner mind to hide there restlessly. This leaves the subdued, servant partner, and also the victor or master, cold.
The victor becomes cold because the love of marriage is gone, and its absence is what cold is (no. 235). The heat of victory replaces married love. This heat is totally out of agreement with the warmth of marriage, and yet it may provide concord on the surface through the medium of lust. After an unspoken agreement between the partners it seems as if married love had produced friendship, but the difference between the friendship of marriage and servile friendship in a marriage is like the difference between light and shade, living fire and the illusion of fire. It is like the difference between someone who is fleshed out and someone who is skin and bone.
248. XII. THAT OF THE EXTERNAL CAUSES OF COLD, THE THIRD IS RIVALRY FOR SUPREMACY BETWEEN THE PARTNERS. The reason is because, among its principal objects, conjugial love looks to union of wills and thus to liberty of agreement. Rivalry for supremacy or rule, ejects these two objects from the marriage; for it divides and sunders the wills into sides, and turns the liberty of agreement into servitude. So long as this rivalry continues, the spirit of the one meditates violence against the other. Were their minds then opened and observed by spiritual sight, they would appear as antagonists fighting with daggers, and it would be seen that they regarded each other with alternate hatred and favor--with hatred when in the ardor of rivalry, and with favor when in the hope of dominion and when in lust.
[2] After the victory of the one over the other, the antagonism withdraws from the externals of the mind and betakes itself to the internals, and there with its disquiet it remains concealed. Hence comes cold both to the subjugated or servant and to the victor or master. Cold comes to the latter also because there is no longer conjugial love, and the deprivation of this love is cold (no. 235). Instead of conjugial love comes heat from supremacy; but this heat, though utterly discordant with conjugial heat, yet, by the mediation of lust, may be outwardly concordant. After tacit agreement between them, it appears as if conjugial love had become friendship; but the difference between conjugial friendship in marriages and servile friendship is as the difference between light and shade, between living fire and fatuous fire, yea, as between a man in full flesh and a man consisting only of skin and bone.
248. (xii) The third of the external causes is striving for the upper hand between Partners. For marital love looks foremostly to a union of wills and to freedom of decision. Any striving for the upper hand or for dominion casts both of these out of marriage, dividing and cleaving asunder the wills, and changing freedom of decision into servitude. When the striving persists, the spirit of the one contemplates violence against the other. Were their minds laid open then and regarded with spiritual vision, the partners would appear like people fighting with daggers, and looking at each other with alternate hatred and favor - with hatred while in the vehemence of striving, and with favor while in the hope of dominating or in lust. After a victory of one over the other, the fighting recedes from the externals but betakes itself into the mind's internals and remains there in hidden unrest. The subjugated partner or slave has cold, and the victress or dominant wife also has. There is cold with her, too, because there is no marital love any longer; the absence of that love is cold (235). In the place of marital love the victor has ardor from having the ascendancy; this warmth disagrees altogether with the warmth of marital love, but outwardly can agree by means of lust. After tacit agreement between such partners it seems as if marital love had become friendship, but the distinction between marital and servile friendship in marriage is like the distinction between light and shadow, between actual fire and illusory, yes, between a well-conditioned man and a man of skin and bone.
248. (12) That the third of the external causes of cold is, a striving for super-eminence between partners. The reason is that marriage love, among its first things, looks to a union of wills, and thence to freedom to do its pleasure. Striving after super-eminence, or for rule, casts these two out of marriage; for it sunders and separates the wills into parties, and transforms freedom of action into servitude. While this striving lasts, the spirit of the one meditates violence against the other. If their minds were then opened and seen by spiritual sight, they would appear as if fighting with daggers, and it would appear that they regard each other with alternate hatred and favor - with hatred in the vehemence of their strife, and with favor while in the hope of dominion, and when they are in lust. After victory of one over the other, the combat withdraws from externals and betakes itself to the internals of the mind, and there abides in restless concealment. Hence to the subjugated man or slave there is cold, and also to the victress ordominant wife. That to her also there is cold is because there is no longer conjugial love, and the privation of that love is cold (n. 235). Instead of conjugial love he or she has heat from super-eminence; but this heat is utterly discordant with conjugial heat, yet it can agree outwardly, through the medium of lust. After tacit agreement between them it appears as if conjugial love had made friendship; but the difference between conjugial friendship and servile friendship in marriages is as the difference between light and shade, between living fire and unreal fire, yea, as between a man in full flesh and a man consisting only of skin and bone.
248. XII: Quod causarum externarum Tertia sit aemulatio supereminentiae inter conjuges, ratio est, quia amor conjugialis inter prima sua spectat unionem voluntatum, et inde placiti libertatem; has duas aemulatio supereminentiae seu de imperio, ejicit e conjugio; dividit enim et discindit voluntates in partes, et placiti libertatem immutat in servitutem: dum aemulatio illa perstat, spiritus unius versat violentias contra alterum; si tunc mentes illorum aperirentur et conspicerentur visu spirituali, apparerent sicut dimicantes pugionibus, et quod alternis odiis et alternis favoribus aspectarent se, odiis cum in vehementia aemulationis sunt, et favoribus dum in spe dominii, et dum in libidine sunt.
[2] Haec dimicatio post victoriam unius super alterum recedit ab externis, at recipit se in mentis interna, et ibi manet cum irrequie recondita; inde est subjugato seu servo frigus, et quoque victrici seu dominae; quod etiam huic sit frigus, est quia non est amor conjugialis amplius, ac privatio hujus amoris est frigus, 235; loco amoris conjugialis est huic calor ex supereminentia, sed hic calor prorsus discordat cum calore conjugiali, at potest exterius concordare media libidine. Post conventionem inter illos tacitam, apparet sicut amor conjugialis factus sit amicitia; at discrimen inter amicitiam conjugialem et amicitiam servilem in conjugiis, est sicut discrimen inter lucem et umbram, inter ignem vivum et fatuum, imo sicut inter hominem plenum carne, et hominem solum osse et cute constantem.